Of cancelation of apathy at the end of LifeI just finished the ceremony, the wake of my grandma's funeral. Buddist style, there are many strange, yet intriuging traditions that one just can't help but wonder why. i dont even know why i am doing some of the things i was doing.i digress. ever since my grandma's death, i have been feeling apathetic, numb, unfeeling, emotionless. I didnt think about it. I just thought, hey, its death, its life. Life ends. its the karma of the world. Everything ends. you can't do anything about it. People have been asking me how i felt about this death. And i have been saying, yea, i feel glad that she has moved on, she has went to somewhere peaceful. But we are fickle minded creatures. now that everything's over...i have this emotional baggage that suddenly entered my cue line. From apathy, i feel grief. I feel overwhelmed. Like suddenly, reality struck me, and i realise, one family member is missing from my home. i realise, one important foundation of the family unit is gone. I am not close to my grandma, ever since she became senile about two three years ago. But now that she is gone, i feel empty. There is this bond that is created between people you stay together with. Small though it is, the impact, the conceptual purpose of it is gargantuan. You create this scared link with the people you live with. And when they suddenly disappears, you lose this link, you lose your connection with someone else. Regardless of whether you are an introvert, or extrovert, this sense of loss is overwhelming. Like how pain often numbs you at first, and suddenly, it hits you. Its that feeling that i am feeling now. And its painful. Its saddening..and i feel like crying, teenage angst building up into severe trauma in the heart, depression at its worst state. even with music blaring in my ears, the talking of this feeling to three people, its still doesnt go away. Even when ranting all this down, it doesnt move, it stays, like a tumour, cancerous, parasitic, clinging to your happiness, sucking that vitality out of your soul. And yet all i feel now it a mere skim of the iceberg of what all my relatives are feeling. She is their mother after all. But we all put up strong fronts, facade to shower our weak souls that seek escape from this torment. But this is the test of life. we put ourselves through it. And we become titans with our own rights. We are creatures of mere existence, possesing only a veneer amount of experience. And it is this life that builds it to make us who we are in the future. We should be thankful. but it doesnt make me feel any better. Justin ranted at 3:56:00 pm on the |