The start of the year 2005new year had to start with the worst night i ever had.the screaming. the accusations. loud voices transfered to smaller notes and words on the handphone. dozens of thoughts, all cursed, and making me believe it was the end. my eyes were red from crying, tears overflowing, like a small baby who just lost his pacifier. My mind was a blur, and my mouth kept confessing things that i kept inside. things that were ought to be said when everything was happier. Things that ought not have crossed my mind. I was scared, so afraid that i might say something wrong. I was so afraid that she would do it. She would initiate it. She would tell me. "maybe we should part". i was so afraid. Death had no meaning to me all of a sudden. What was death compared to the pain i was feeling then? what was death compared to the million of tears i shed, covering my bedsheet with my sorrow so i could drown in them? What was death? sigh..seems that my life is indeed an overanalyse entity. i think too much. what is this brain for but not for thinking? no, but my thoughts lead to paranoia, which leads to misunderstandings, like the metaphormosis of sadness into anger and into hate. i see this world has having two emotions only. one is love. and the other is hate. everything is from there, but these two are the purest. My pain is not yet over. Sigh, i need to redeem myself. But i do not know how. i do not know how. i seriously do not know how..maybe its best if i just stop thinking so much, throw this overanalysing person out of the window, and be a robot who just takes everyday as they come. Maybe i should just say what i want to say, and not think of the ramifications. I hate this life. I hate myself. I dont know why i keep hurting her, and hurting myself. why? sigh. what a way to start the new year. Justin ranted at 11:15:00 am on the |