You are broken, torn, but never aloneyou walk like a block of wood, the expression of sadness permanently carved on the spot where your heart once used to be. you talk like a spolit jukebox, the mouth of the doll opening but the lacklustre sounds burns itself into emptyness. you smile like a person fresh from hurt, but trying to act strong, a facade, a doll smile. Fake. Empty. you are broken. Torn. you think of the what-ifs, the what could have beens. You think about the i-should-have-done-this, or -i shouldnt have. You think. You think. You think.And you still fall down, while the rest of the world stay oblivious to your thoughts. You still fall down. Silent. Depressed. Forlorn. Forsaken at that moment. Forgotten. unforgiven. lost. Like humans seeking the never apparent truth, you lay in the run for happiness, but the humps, the broken sharp hurdles take you down. The thoughts bring you down. And you still fall down. what do you want silent creature of the night? do you stay up and torment little children in their consiousness? do you torture their spirit, corrupting their souls, tainting them with thoughts that cut deep into the veins that help sustain them? do you? do you? do you even feel? or do you just stand there and relish the cursed emotions that soak the air around you, permeate each other's mind, like a slow crawl of decay coming over a fallen leaf? do you just dance in the rain of tears that flow, as you know that pain is caused by themselves, that they have nobody to blame but themselves for the pain? Do you? do you? I want an answer now. I wrote this entry yesterday, but kept it hanging, as if it was a harbinger of something, a quarrel, a silent boycott. Seems that i happened today. I woke up in the morning, and suddenly, everything doesnt seem right. She was at tuition, and ignored my message. Maybe she didnt, and was just busy...but she sounded angry at me when i called her. I message her twice, message her twice, saying i am sorry. i dunno what i did. i dunno what to do. I just suddenly feel so broken, yet i feel that its still my fault. I dont even know what wrongs i have done this time. It that how a guy always feels when he starts becoming mooody and insecure at times of loneliness? I listen to michale buble, and the bubbliness jazziness of his songs doesnt cut into my soul. Sweet love and emotions washed onto the beaches of time, as the waves of depression shower the sand on them, burying them forever. i just feel sad now. I feel feel..torn, broken. Everything i dont wanna feel. I dont want to be sad. I want to be happy, and as i write about her, i was remebering all the happy moments, and i was just so glad to have her, so sweet to be loved by her. But now, now this moment, i am just like a stick floating along the swimming pool, towards a certain end that would make me drown into the deep abyss of silence below. I love her. i love her. i love her. i love her. I just cannot live without her. But now, but now, but now..i just feel sad. i want her to reply, her to tell me something, anything so that i could change myself for her sake. but she didnt. Maybe she just wants to concentrate on her tuition. maybe her inbox is full. maybe i am just not being a good boyfriend. I just want the best for her. I want everything for her. Her love is the only thing i live for. Without it, i am nothing. Justin ranted at 11:18:00 pm on the |