Crushed[i wrote this a week ago. And i guess i can somehow relate to it still. Sigh. Big depression on the rise]You know that feeling where your heart and stomach suddenly feels like its gonna collapse upon itself if you dont do anything about it? You know that feeling of powerlessness, that inability to solve the problems that have been bugging you? Its a crushing feeling, and it doesnt go away easy. Whenever people get all depressed and sad, their language change. They changed into a poignant form of language, poetic in the form and structure, unrestrained and free to express themselves. The best poetry often are those inducing sadness, about sorrow, depression, of unanswered, unwanted love. Of pain, suffering. Yet there is a beauty in the sadness that grows with each passing syllabus in the words that are written. Maybe the emotions tend to make the words come alive, their larger than life status overblown and exaggerated to create temporary emotions to make you feel more alive and recover from the trauma that you have had. Confusion set in when you made up your mind on what you should be doing, what should be done, yet once you do the complete opposite, you enjoy it. The conflict between both rationale, the logical, and the emotional tears you apart. You know you should be doing this, yet for fuck sake you are doing something else. You KNOW you shouldnt be doing it, but oh dammit, it just feels good. The perfect illusion happens when confusion sets in, but you have absolutely no time to consider the possibilities, the different reasons why you are feeling this way. It happened when school started, and the distraction prove their usefulness, the slow dragging of time seems to quicken in pace. Time runs when you are distracted. And it slows to a crawl, laughing at you once you are not doing anything. Which is why i tend to write in my free time, write and write and write. In the lifeline of this blog, i have expressed that i write to released what i am feeling inside, the random thoughts that tend to flow from my mind never staunching, only continuously flowing, a broken dam that can never be repaired. It will only stopped when the dam has lost all the water, but somehow it is filled again and the cycle repeats itself. There are times when i write finish what i have been thinking, and it all suddenly seems so absurd. What am i thinking? Am i really thinking that he or she will really be doing that? Was i really that angry, that frustrated with the person? In hindsight, the emotions that tend to blast the words around suddenly seemed nonsense, illogical. Never true. It only mind hurt people and cause even more pain, resulting in ramifications like writing all over again, and causing MORE pain. Dammit, i am not making sense now. I dont know what the heck am i writing about. Maybe its just the many different emotions that i have right now, the different possibilities that i have ignored, the different wrong choices i have made, the characteristic introvert that arises when i am surrounded by people whom i cannot click, the characteristic extrovert that comes out when i am with people whom i can fool around and be myself, the characteristic silence that plagues me when i am feeling very strange inside, like now. 1 more day to school. I need to get my act together again, if not i might just have a repeat of the previous semester results. I need to find that purpose again. Justin ranted at 8:23:00 pm on the |