Hardships

A very surprising ballad on an album full of angst, and vulgar words mistaken for lyrics. A listen to it on a mellow night brings a sadness, burning in the back of your beating heart, a broken recorder on repeat. It reminds me of the sorrow in my past, history as it has been written in books made of the wind. And the hardships, the transformation that i have been through.

The past is like an anchor, weighing you down if you dont let go. Dont tell me you can learn from the past. There is nothing there but pain and suffering if you do look at it from another perspective. Put things in perspective, and you realise that you often do look back at the happy times, when you are sad now, which makes things even worse.

I have an admiration for people who could put words into feelings, the sort that writers do. I am nowhere near the apex, nowhere near their most mediocre. I am sticking around in nothing but the silence written over and over again by only my fingers, and never the logical part of me.

Bring about the change in the weather, and sometimes you get sunny days on days predicted with rain. Suffer the directions of a stranger, as you get lost in the problems made worse with advice. Accept advice, and you pull yourself even deeper into your prison, never being able to break away from your own stubbornness. Break away from your stubbornness, and you lose the thing that makes you human, the ability to endure through hardships, and what-nots. Not losing the thing that makes you human makes you highly vulnerable to pain, and you suffer the crash of 9-11 in the twin towers of your heart. Resist pain, and you grow cold, never accepting the warmth of a furnace, even if it is painted right in front of you. Drink the warmth up to a parched throat, only to find temporary relief, replaced in short by a sudden desperation for more.

The more you want, the more you will want it. The more you will want it, the more you drop deep into the want that didnt existed in the first place. Not until you started to want it.

Somehow you cannot see straight the roads that have been laid down infront of you, accepting red herrings, and believing in lies to make yourself feel good.

I once caught the movie, 15. The vulgarities of the youth made me laugh. It was so ridiculous, the way that very single hokkien vulgarity can come out in every single sentence. And that was not until i realised that sometimes, i do talk like that. And that was when i shut the fuck up.

I once caught the movie, 15. The insanities of the youth made me laugh. It was so ridiculous, the way people believed in friendships, and ignored even the logical things that you should be doing. And that was not until i realised that sometimes, you do that when you are in love. And that was when i started to break down and cry.

Think about depression, and the thoughts of how the world is cruel comes breaking into your mind. Home runs here, home runs there. A penalty shot, and look at the 30 metre volley of your consciousness go deep into retreat at the back of the net of your mind.

Self-loathing is an incredible aphrodisiac to writing something that complete surprises you once you read it again. Self-loathing is incredibly amazing to create sentences that would have never formed if your face has been plastered with a smile.

I am confused one day. I think i might be. I might be. I might be. I dont know. I dont know. i dont want that to happen. But i am losing it. I dont want it. The pain of it again. I just want it now. I want it. I dont want that, but i want it. I want you, but i dont want you. I want her, but i dont want her. I dont know i dont know i dontknowidontknowidotnoidotnidn.

breathe. The song is just making you fucked up. Play something happier please. Play it, play it. And bring back the Justin, no, the Minghao that everyone knows and see. Dont let them see your depressed and obviously disturbed side.

Shut up. Fuck you. Let them believe what they want to believe. This is me, raw and unperturbed by nothing. intoxicated with the high of just typing typing away, try and stop me.

Oh god, i think i am going mad.