Late thoughts in the middlei cant get to bed, but i am really tired.Joshua Radin has a way of becoming a late night depression music for the blistering heart. Looking through memories of the past, it has a way of catching on with you, holding a club and smashing your heart into mush. The silence at night is hard to bear, even with the music in the background. I couldnt bring myself to watch the movies on my hard drive, i couldnt bring myself to listen to rock or hip hop, funny shit to make myself laugh and be happy. Its time like this where i just want to wallow in my own pathetic feelings now and hope the self-pity will make myself feel..better. Read the blue book you say? Be happier after reading it? Forget it, it doesnt work. The mind must be in the mood to be happy. stay depressed, and you will be, no matter what you do. Unless of course you take prozac or something shit like that, but who the hell cares about you then? Chinese new year. I cant believe i actually am feeling so fucked up on Chinese New Year. No amount of chocolates could cheer me up. Where are the candy? Where is the sounds of friends? where are the signs of joy and fun, those you see on television and on the screens, from the word of mouths of parents, the faces of your grandparents? It suddenly disappears as you dwell deeper into the night's secret lair, walking down the swirling stairs into the deep beyond that lies on just a step away. I realised that i am an asshole at times. I tend to ignore things that tend to make me feel...funny, in a bad way. Things that tend to make me jealous, unsure of myself, afraid of my own confidence, or even lower my self-esteem. I tend to not think about things that i used to have, but dont have it now. Once i start, well, suffice to say this is the outcome. Depression at its purest. Pretty isnt it? I am sick sick sick, so sick of things that i cannot change, things that are beyond my control. I am so sick of being stuck being myself, being me, in this life. I am sick sick sick sick sick. Dammit, dammit. I am sick sick sick, too sick of things that i can change, but for the life of me, i am not doing it. Fucking stupid that is. Sorry if you think i dont care about you, because i dont call anymore. I am sorta jealous, whenever i read about your life. So i tend to push it all away. I aint ready to face it still, so here's my apologies in advanced. Now for my own personal apology, or rather a scanting attack at myself. I wanted to confess, but what did i do? Nothing. Why? I have no idea what to do, and i am afraid of what might happened. Maybe i will be just like that eh? Somebody who doesnt venture to do things beyond his own capabilities. Somebody who jumps halfway, stops and fall deep into the ocean in the middle of the crossing. Somebody who runs the 100m, reaches 50m, pants, and walks away. Somebody who draws a picture, leaving the nose, eyes and ears out, for fear of the world around it. Then if you know you are like that, then do something then. Do something so that you will be somebody you always wanted to be. Sigh. Justin ranted at 1:42:00 am on the |