I dislikethe rush of emotions that develop in the initial contact. The swirl of a multitude of feelings mixed together with the pounding of adrenaline makes you want to tear out your twisting stomach. I do not appreciate the magnifying of a million actions, each observation filled with red herrings and nuances that distract you from the real truth. I feel disappointed at my inane ability to express anything that comes out my mouth. I cannot controlled my movement, the magnetic factor multiplied by a hundred when you stand near. I forget about all that i have learned, all i have experienced, and i become a toddler in relationship decisions once again.but i feel relieved, like the pressure has suddenly been released. The dense air has suddenly evaporated into billions of colours that light up the sky when you speak. The ground opens up, and i free fall down down down, into a bright light that consumes my every being. When the songs are sung by the 4 walls, i mouth out the words, and apologise to the world for my foolishness and immaturity and drown. my friends tell me things that do not sound like me. they tell me things that i never thought i am. they tell me things that has never crossed my mind. they tell me different things from what i tell myself. and they tell me the truth. which means my cold heart has been lying to myself ever since the birth of puberty. my family tells me that i have a future, that i am strong, that i am their pride, that they would never do things differently. I make them smile, and i light their lives up. Without me, the house seems empty and forever bleak. In truth, they exaggerate. But it feels nice. we all are liars. Our lives are boring, and tend to be one whole flatline. You might tell your friends stories, anecdotes of what has happened, but you exaggerate, you, yes you with the sense of humor will emphasis on the funnier parts, dramatise the whole situation, and everyone will listen to you with their ears tied to your every word. my room feels cold, and the bed feels empty. my heart feels heavy, and my mind feels dead. my soul is screaming for providence, and my being is hollow. Everything makes no sense when you walk the streets. Everything makes all the sense in the world when you speak. My eyes feel heavy with regret, the tears never coming out even though the tap is open. I like to write out everything that i would want to tell anybody, anyone in particular. I want to tell the truth, i want to not lie anymore, i want to finally find that closure that has eluded me for so long. when people work, they go back home a broken creature. They are burned from the daily routines, and only despair meets them when they see their empty homes. I see hope, hidden like a timid child behind despair, growing stronger with each passing year. But whether i die before the hope grows big, that is a different matter altogether. so this is my confession, and my reflection. A moment of weakness, and i will let slip the one thing holding me together so far. But i will keep it all in, in hopes that one day, you will find the truth. By then, the truth isnt the truth anymore. Justin ranted at 12:31:00 am on the |