i am just sitting herewaiting, wishing for something to happen.sometimes i feel the dread of working. Am i really suited to work like this? Am i for this industry? Do i just like to follow instructions? I get all nervous when i am supposed to contribute ideas in a discussion. Similarly for projects, i tend to be unable to think of much when i am afraid of the backlash, or what people may comment, or what they might think of me. It is a flaw that i have, and it is making me doubt my own abilities. my friend was telling me everyone has this fear, and it is up to you to conquer it. Sometimes i do, but other times, i just sit there quietly, waiting for people to just say something, and i do nothing. In the end, i know that when i dont say anything, people think even worst of me than when i do say something. Maybe this is an excuse, but my past experiences made me hate people laughing at the mistakes that i do, the things that i said. It still happens sometimes, and it just makes me depressed. Try as i might, it seems that i possess a face that possess two different sides. One where the moment i speak, i am not taken seriously. The other, the moment i dont speak, people think i am being arrogant, condescending. There is the balance somewhere, but after years of searching, it doesnt really seem to be there. i hate feeling this way. Who cares about love, about relationships when you have a fundamental problem in yourself that you cannot yet solve. Who cares about all the rest of the things in the world, when you know what is at fault, yet try as you might, you cannot seem to change it, and it is making your life utterly bull. Who cares about anything right now. For one, i dont really give a rat's ass about most of the things right now, except for a few responsibilities here and there. They help to keep me sane. One thing about blogs is that people tend to talk about their own pathetic selves. I read other people's blog, and they rant and rant, they talk about their problems, and sometimes, i roll my eyes and move on to the next blog. Sometimes i relate with them, and it makes me even more depressed. My friend underwent an emo stage recently. I seem to be going through the same thing. With work compounding my every misery, the path to enlightenment, for the lack of a better word, seems to be lost inside the mist. Another of my friend asked me whether it is right just to let someone, whom you think you will never like, be with you. Just so you get companionship, you get someone to fall upon, even if it isnt your ideal one. It is tempting yes, and it does take abit of the pain and misery away. But it will make me feel empty inside, for i know i am just lying and using her. It takes away some of the pain, but gives back a totally new one. i am very thankful that i have at least hall life to save me from this utter abyss. I have never been really close with my coursemates, save for a few, but hall is where most of my closest friends are. Without them, even if we may drift apart afterwards, i have a feeling i might feel even worst. i am bad at making friends. I am worse at keeping them. if working makes me feel like this, i dread what will happen when i come out into the real world to work full time, and never have any kind of distractions anymore. no wonder most of the people you see on the trains, the buses, they have a weary face, that tells the whole world that it is yet another routine day. Yet another depressing day at work. We may laugh with our colleagues, but in the end, we stay apart. I was on the MRT, and watching school kids enjoying themselves, and i wonder, where did my youth gone? Even though i am in my early 20s, the path to adulthood and the transition feels like crap. How could i have not treasured the moments when i was young, when mistakes was allowed, when you feel like you could do anything. Now i just feel caged, caught up with work, and never seeing that blue sky again. I wish i could spread my wings and soar. Only to find them clipped. And so i fall. i was wrong about me having been through the self-discovery stage. I thought i did, but that was merely depression having being dumped, and a few mistakes along the way. the stage seems to be happening right now, and i for one have no idea how to get the hell out of this shit. i need advice. From everyone and from no one. sigh. Justin ranted at 12:59:00 am on the |