I like a little nostalgiathe other day i went back to my old home, the one where i stayed when i was a kid. I had to help my dad do some cleaning up, so to make sure that the house is in suitable condition for rental. In its current state, it is barely...habitable. Broken wooden tiles, rusted pipes, and clogged up sinks and drains, it seemed like a ghost of its former self. But as i walked down the hallways, up the stairs, and into the seperate rooms, the memories of my childhood comes to me. And i cant help and feel how long into life i have come. All the experiences that i have gathered, so big, yet so little in comparison with others.There was the room in which i always went into whenever i had a tiffle with my parents. It was the room in which we kept all the photos of our outings, our celebrations. I would sit there, crying after my parents scolded me, for whatever reason. Then in my sadness, i will just refer to the photos that my parents took of our outings together. And then i will feel that tinge of regret, and come out running to hug my mother, or father, and say that i am sorry. It was probably the more mature times of my childhood. You dont appreciate things until they are truly gone from your lives. I have only memories of my childhood now, some good, some bad. I remember some of the bad ones, and it makes me shudder sometimes how big of a pussy i was back in those days. I was never one to stand up for myself, socially awkward and very quiet. I was often the centre of bullies, struggling to free myself from the chain of hurt. I remember sitting beside a guy in class. He was taller, and much stronger than me. And he always punched me hard in the shoulders. I remember the day in which he threw out my eraser out of the window beside me into the open sky. In my brief moment of courage, i did the same thing to his. And there went the punches. Till this day, i can still remember it quite clearly, the exact scene, and the pain that i felt. But i remember that i did not cry, and i pretended that it didnt hurt like hell. But fuck, it did. I always did wonder how would i have turned out, if i had behaved just a little bit different, just a little bit more confident. Would my personality now be different? Science has proven that we are born who we are, with the rest of it being influenced by our parents, what we do and the decisions that we make. I have always been the quiet kid, never really knowing what to say, and having people always doubting my answers, never expecting me to say the right things. I remember being laughed at when i said something wrongly. Till this day, all the laughter has influenced me for who i am. I don't dare to say out things that i think are wrong, and always lacking the confidence to say what i really think. The assertiveness has been erased out of me when i was a child. Now i am finding it back, but it comes and goes away. I can regret, but what i can only do now is to look into the future and improve on myself. But the constant laughs, the persistent doubts still cloud my every action. I can laugh, smile, but it doesnt escape me. It comes to me somedays. Can i really change who i really am? Change my true nature? I try, but it sometimes just comes out so awkward. Nobody really does confirm my actions, but most people just make fun of them. I try to ignore, but well, the facade does break down sometimes. I have my daily regrets. Recently more than ever. Justin ranted at 12:57:00 am on the |