He Has No Time

So its the end

2011-01-04T12:47:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time coming. Many things have been said here.

But it's the end. I will be moving to a private blog somewhere.

Goodbye folks.

So I am shifting

2010-11-08T12:58:00.001+08:00

For some reason, I am going to start shifting my blog posts to wordpress. maybe cause wordpress is more awesomeness, and blogger seems so old school.

You can visit it here: hehasnotime.wordpress.com

This has got to be one of the most hilarious things. Ever

2010-10-31T03:32:00.004+08:00

In the process of migrating my posts to tumblr (which ultimately failed), I chanced upon an old post, which I did some quiz that determined my seduction style.

So right, 4 years ago, I was this:

Now, 4 years later, I am this:

For some reason, it tickles me. Alot. haha.

But wait, is it an improvement?? Or erm...i actually deproved?

The slience of the night

2010-10-31T02:18:00.002+08:00

I cannot come up with titles.

Or at least succinct ones. The ones that I come up with are grandiose, cheesy or worse, lame. But that's not the point of this post.

Every single weekend, I watch time pass by very fast. I tell myself that I have alot of things to do, that I need to do this and that, but sometimes it never gets done. I kill myself because of it, yet it still doesn't get done.

But tonight, tonight I take a walk to my past. The silence of the night helps me think back, and let me remember moments where I have laughed, smiled, frowned or cried at. The peacefulness of the house allowed me to reminisce on the memories where I treasure, wished I never had, or regret. The calm of the hour made me nostalgia of the events that made me who I am.

I am not a perfect person. I know my shortcomings, and it seems to be revealing itself more with each day. Which I fear will make people think twice about who I really am. That is my biggest shortcoming of all. The lack of confidence, the disability to believe that I can do things if I set myself out to do it, and the self esteem that shatters easily.

Sometimes, i try. I really do, but it all fall into pieces around me, and I get tired of picking it up after myself. sometimes, i dont try, and my guilt eats up at me, which makes me escape even more into my own bubble.

It's a very viscious cycle.

But I am quite proud of one thing that I have been managing to at least be somewhat consistent. I told myself that I shant be a skinny boy no more. So I set out to make myself better. And it is working. At the expense of some financial monies, but it is worth it. To know that I am doing something to make myself better, even if it is physical, the confidence is building in me. Which is nice.

3KG of muscles gained.

Please ladies and gentleman, take note that I might look 60kg (especially after gyming since I lose my fats) but I am actually 70kg.

it is quite taxing on my expenses sometimes also. But I think that if I keep it up, I can finally cross something off my to-do list in life.

Life throws you surprises sometimes. And it is up to us to take it or leave it.

For me, I take it. Always.

Self Censorship Online

2010-09-28T00:52:00.002+08:00

The video is called Would Be Love Story. And after watching it, you can't help but think of how many million times have this kind of thing happened to you. Your self censorship skills is through the roof by now for those who IM every single day. You talk to the girl/guy you are interested in, and you are dying to say something, but you afraid of the ramifications. You are afraid that if you say something, you might give the wrong impression, so you pause before you speak, you think of something witty to say, you try to say something funny, in hopes that you say the right things. And then when the other person replies, you over analyse their replies to the death.

"Shit, she took 5 minutes to just say okay. She isn't interested at all."

"Oh gawd, he just said okay. I type a whole shitload of stuff, and he just said okay????"

Something like that.

So the cycle goes on, until something that might have been, like the video, will be nothing. Cause both parties are afraid of making the wrong move, so nothing then happens. Both parties will try and play it cool, and then at the end of the day, they will just regret not saying it, but by then it's much too late.

I myself am guilty of this. Umpteen times. I forgot how many times i overanalyse everything, only to realised that i am wasting my braincells on such a inane act. You, you, you and you are probably all guilty of it (no idea who the you are, but you probably know it yourself)

So take a chance! take the risk! leap of faith and you may like what you find.

Of course, you must exercise some form of caution or restraint. Don't be like me in secondary 2, where i stupidly went to tell my crush that I love her. That was just plain stupid, dumb, desperate, loserish, whatever adjective you can think of that means idiotic, crazy and spastic at the same time.

So go get inspired. Probably alot of people did, and probably more than half of them got rejected outright. cause they think life is a fairy tale. Which isnt.

But well, that is the fun / unfun of it.

I like old music. Sometimes

2010-09-17T13:39:00.002+08:00

Before Snow Patrol went huge with their album "Final Straw", I think they were still considered Indie, and their past albums sound nothing like what their new album sounds like. It sounds more mellow, less intricate and a whole lot more soul. They sound less mainstream than what they sound now.

In other words, Indie.

Before Death Cab for Cutie went huge (probably debatable, but I fell in love with them with this album. Subsequent albums don't really compare) with arguable one of their best work "Transatlanticism", their past albums were also mellow, and doesnt sound like what they sound like now. The music softer, the lyrics more confusing if you will. If you listened to one of their even older album "You can play these songs with chords" or "Something About airplanes", you can't miss out Ben Gibbard's signature voice quality (To hear people say that Owl City's Adam Young sound like a more upbeat Ben Gibbard is so...insulting actually. But sadly, he does sound abit like Ben Gibbard) , but they sound more...rock if you will. Again, not as intricate.

In other words, Indie.

Yet, I think their past albums have a certain quality to them that their newer albums lack. Maybe it is because I dont really go for mainstream songs, or that I have heard so many different variants of their works, copied by so many different bands, that old music that didnt make them huge sound so much better.

So maybe I just listened to their new music so much that I got sick of it.

I have absolutely no idea what appeals to me. Soft slow music that burst into a climax are awesomeness to my ears, like Spanish Sahara from Foals, or Untitled 3 by Sigur Ros, but similar songs that try to do that still fail to interest me.

Two Door Cinema Club danceable music was on repeat the past few days, especially Come back Home and Undercover Martyn, yet similar sounding bands, like Neon Tree or Bombay Bicycle Club doesnt appeal.

Even in the 50gb of music that I have, half of them I hate, a quarter of them I dont really listen to, and the other quarter is divided between music I love, music I heard until I am bored of it, and music that I kinda like, and will listen, cause I have nothing else to listen.

Seems like I am always searching for that elusive band/songs that will keep me interested.

A few bands does that successfully, but after a while, I get sick of them.

Maybe I should stop repeating them so much.

Story III

2010-09-11T23:18:00.002+08:00

The boy smiles. A special saturday, spending time with the family for once in a very very long time. Even though it was just a simple trip to desaru, the laughter and the smiles all made it all worth while. Even though we had to wake up early, the fun and joy all made it worth it. Even though we had to try and find something to do, and I was bored for a while, nothing can still beat everyone being together and playing as one family.

The boy smiles. Cheerleading with the family. Who would have thought of it? Teaching the dad how to do the elevator, while the sisters how to lock was fun, and worth the aching neck that he is currently having.

The boy smiles. The bird and the bee starts to sing "I think we have a special quality". Even though he knows it cannot be applied in this case, it still means something.

He thinks that they all, we all, have a special quality.

Story II

2010-09-09T18:23:00.002+08:00

The boy sits in his office, listening to the music of Dr. Dog. Shame shame, he sings. Shame. He should be ashamed of what he has done, everything that he did and all the sins that he has committed.

But somehow this boy knows no shame. He built up a wall around his heart previously, and it was broken down, and it is time he started to build it back up again. Nothing good can come from opening your heart too often and too easily, he thought to himself. What you will get is only pain and more pain. Suffering too. Yes, maybe there is a day or so of happiness, but it is fleeting compared to the torture that you go through. So at the end of the day, is it all worth it?

That is the question, he thought, is it all worth it?

Somehow his gut tells him the thing that he doesnt want to hear.

So he shrugs, switches off his music as it reaches its climax and packs to go back home.

Shame, shame, he thought. Shame, shame.

Story I

2010-09-06T23:16:00.004+08:00

The boy sits on his chair, as The Reign of Kindo plays in the background. How did he go from listening to nonsensical radio pop, promoting 987fm to listening to indie music, which practically 1% of the friends he knows listen to. How did he even started sourcing out for obscure music, and learning to appreciate the nuances and uniqueness of the sounds? How did he graduate to the point where popular music is beyond his comprehension, where the more obscure a music is, the more he will find it fascinating and equally mysterious and intriguing?

He sits up in his chair. Trying not to slouch as his eyes slowly droops over each other in drowsiness. He shouldn't slouch. He knows it, but sometimes he thought he looks weird if he sticks his chest out and stand tall like the rest of the confident people he know.

Sometimes, he likes to play pretend.

He pretends that everyone is happy. He sees the child smiling with the mother, and he smiles. He see young kids running and he smiles. He sees couples nuzzling each other, and he smiles. He aches abit, but he still smiles. He doesn't really see the point of being sad in this world, when there are so many things to be happy and excited about.

There is his new found group of friends, people who were with him when he was most down. He never understood how he could have missed them out from his life, and wondered how it would have been if he didn't have them. Especially a few of them, he is not just appreciative of their presence and their advice, but also their laughter and craziness. They made his life a whole lot better.

There is his job. Even though he might hate doing it, but the company at work is nice. The people there are awesome, and they teach and help him all the way always, even when he was at his lowest. They understood the human conditions, and it made him smile just thinking about it.

Lastly, there is Life, pure unadulterated life, full of possibilites and permutations just waiting for him to unravel. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and learn to love life. Which he is learning.

As Reign of Kindo sings the chorus of their song, "Nice to meet you", he thinks about the lyrics. And to all those that he has met.

It was, and still is, nice to meet you.

All of you.

Spanish Sahara

2010-09-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

Foals - Spanish Sahara

So I walked through to the haze
And a million dirty waves
Now I see you lying there
Like a lilo, losing air... air
Black rocks on the shoreline surf
Still that summer I cannot bear
And I wipe the sand from my eyes
It's the Spanish Sahara, the place that you'd wanna
leave the horror, yeah...

Forget the horror here
Forget the horror here
Leave it all down here
It's future rust and then it's future dust

Forget the horror here
Forget the horror here
Leave it all down here
It's future rust and then it's future dust...

Now the waves, they drag you down
Carry you to broken ground
Though I'll find you in the sand
Wipe you clean with dirty hands
So god damn this boiling space
It's the Spanish Sahara, the place that you'd wanna
leave the horror, yeah...

Forget the horror here
Forget the horror here
Leave it all down here
It's future rust and it's future dust
I'm the fury in your head
I'm the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head
Cause I am...
I'm the fury in your head
I'm the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head
Cause I am...
I'm the fury in your head
I'm the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head
Cause I am...

Forget the horror here
Forget the horror here
Leave it all down here
It's future rust and it's future dust

Calm the fury in your head
Calm the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head
Cause I am...
Quiet the fury in your head
Quiet the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head
Cause I am...
Quiet the fury in your head
Quiet the fury in your bed
I'm the ghost in the back of your head

Cause I am.

I would very much want to do the following

2010-09-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

Get pretty darn well at the guitar and start composing my own music
Start my own band
Review new music albums, and write good reviews, not just reviews that only have the words "interesting, "awesome" or any other cliche and common superlatives that you can think about.
Start designing something, and starting thinking of ideas randomly that would help me in the long run
Plan for my future
Get fitter, faster, stronger and well, better
BE TANNED.

Goals of the year, they will be. Hopefully, i keep to them.

Reflection

2010-08-13T00:09:00.004+08:00

At certain points in time in life, you sit down and you reflect. On the past, on what has happened, on what could have been. You think about your actions, and all you can understand is how things might have been different had you done things differently. Had you not done that, would this have happened? All these questions all lead to the same answer.

That it doesn't really matter anymore. What has happened has already happened, and you can only learn from it. And this is something that I have to slowly accept, that what has happened is a accumulation of various factors, various situations and various actions. So what's the point of being vindicative? Of being jealous? Of being a dick?

There is nothing left but the future, and you reflect to think about how you should grow. Not to prove someone wrong, not to be right, but it is for yourself, for your own self-improvement. You owe yourself that much, to be the best that you can be, to fulfill your potential as much as possible.

I have learned that whatever has happened has happened for a reason. I have broken it down into various factors, but from these, I will learn. It is very hard, it is very painful sometimes, and it is hard to handle. But it will pass, the storm will pass, and you will learn. I think I have learned. I don't like what I have learned, but I will change it so that it will all be good again.

So for that, for everything and anything, I am sorry.

So what now?

2010-08-10T23:22:00.002+08:00

I hear stories about how people can achieve so much in their lives, and all I can think of is how at this age, I have not achieve much. Some people might not be bothered about it, but I am frankly speaking quite bothered by it. I talk alot, and my action doesn't show that I want to do alot. Talk big and do nothing is no way to lead a life. It got me into shit, and it will get me into shit too sooner or later.

We all have dreams, you, you and you. All of us with dreams will want to get it fulfill one day or another. Some might have huge dreams of wanting to find the cure for cancer (which in my opinion, we are nowhere near it), or even small dreams of getting the girl next door to smile at you and finally say hi to you. Some might want to marry a rich guy and live their lives out in peace, or some just want to bum around on the beach, chill and live their lives slacking the whole day.

You know what is my dream? I want to be in a band. A real live band. One that plays music that I can play, and I want to sing. I want to compose. I want to be musically talented. You know what dreams I have? I want to be physically fit and be good at sports. What else? I want to be an excellent designer, able to draw as well as design, using both paper and mouse. Oh, and I want to be able to tell people my ideas proudly and be as good as some of the people I have seen.

But how can I achieve all these dreams? Do I want too much? Do I just want all those, but I don't have the motivation nor drive to get those? Does that mean that I don't want it that much? Or is it just me, wanting to talk big and not working hard to get all that I want?

What if I want to work hard, but somehow I cannot push myself? I feel that I let myself down alot at time, if not most of the times. I try to be the best, but when your best isn't good enough, it just lets you down and you just feel...numb.

So what now my friends?

A new home

2010-08-09T23:09:00.002+08:00

Shifting out of hall is a weird experience. The amount of junk and stuff that I have collected over the years is laughable. Somehow a part of me likes to buy stuff, maybe so to feel good. An xbox, a DS, guitar hero guitar and drumset and a real electric guitar are some the collateral damage of my shopping sprees. Maybe cause I never had the chance to own anything that I want, and when I have the means to, well, you know the rest.

The amount of clothes is laughable too. The fashion disasters that for some reason I havent thrown away, to the amount of hall clothes that I have collected over my 4 years. I think I can see how I have grown fashion and style wise. And when I see and remember what I wore when I was in my first year, it is...really quite pathetic.

So the whole process took a whole day of cleaning, collecting everything and transporting. Luckily I have my family to help out, cause the amount of stuff is equivalent to a small sized family's barang barang. Seriously, when I saw everything, I think i was quite embarrased. I spend too much money on material stuff which I should really cut down.

The new home isn't bad. It is quite nice, and at the top level, and near to the MRT. But I guess the real highlight was being with family. Sadly, I think i am starting to fall sick again.

Leaving hall means I have to finally let go of my University life, and put it behind me and walk the path of career building and creating a better future. I am not ready, but I guess I should.

It's hard to let go sometimes. And maybe I dont want to.

But I guess...I have to.

Brand New Start

2010-08-09T03:32:00.002+08:00

It's been ages since I have last blogged, about anything or everything in general. And it has been so long since I last did something on the blog template, that I have almost forgotten what to do. The expandable table itself gave me a huge headache, but now that is past me, and behold a simple new design. Doesn't look very nice but I don't give a damn.

At least it is a damn sight better than my previous one.

So I have graduated. Convocation was alright, seeing most of them for one last time. I can't say that I have really made alot of close friends in school, but I made a few that should last me quite a while. And even fewer who have been with me through this very trying period, which I would not say. If you know, you know. If you don't, well, don't bother finding out. It ain't worth it.

I have been working for more than 2 months, and I still cannot get used to the fact that I won't have any holidays anymore. Not that I do much during my holidays, but the fact remains that there is no end in side, no respite in mind, except for the occasional nap in the toliet. But work is something that you have to do, and the cash flow is nice, though with more money means that you will tend to overspend, which I did for my first month. I know where all the money went. But well, that's another story for another day. When the time is right.

I have realised the power of friendship. I guess I always thought that people won't like who I am, cause I don't really like who I am. I am lazy, slack, a procrastinator, speaks much but does little and everything that people do not want. I want to change, but I only give excuses.

There, another one. Excuse generator.

I want to dry my eyes, and face the world with a fresh look on Life. I want to take this feeling in my stomach, and bury it deep inside me and never look back. I want to believe in a better future, and something that will reward me if I work hard.

So watch me, watch me as I grow, as I change and as I prove all of you wrong. Especially you. I will prove you wrong.

It's been a wonderful albeit tumultuous ride, one that if everything happens the same way, I would do it again in a heartbeat. There are some things that I would change, but if I could go into the past, I would do it again. Hopefully now with a different present.

For now, it's a brand new start for me, with my baggage gone and the final act of graduation being to shift out of NTU for good.

It's a brand new start, and I have no idea how to feel.

I just feel numb.

Its the end of the end tomorrow

2010-04-18T23:49:00.002+08:00

We know that each day passes by us as we grow older, and the times that we spend trying to make friends are long before us. Suddenly, university is all over, and all i want to do is relive the happy moments that i had. And not think about the sad ones.

But i dont really know what i have gotten out from university. I never really made many lasting friendships, and even though i was known, it wasnt like i ever found my clique clique. That thought is very depressing. And every single time, i tell myself that i must be who i am, i find that people dont really like who i am.

But we lie to ourselves, and so i continue lying to myself every single day.

But just tonight, the day before the fyp presentation, let me not lie to myself and say the truth for once.

Just today, i wont lie.

And so.

I cry.

This hasn't been updated

2010-03-09T13:54:00.002+08:00

Since God knows how long (Actually, only around 2 months plus) and many things have happened. Suffice to say that too many things have happened, and with graduation just around the corner, the next phase of life beckons.

Another few weeks to the submission of FYP report. Probably the worst project i have done so far, due to all the twists and turn, the changes here and there, the failures and rejections. To finally come full circle, and complete it, i think my sigh of relief will echo through the world.

As it is, transcribing really fucking sucks.

I had a dream

2009-12-13T15:24:00.002+08:00

That i was harmonising with someone to the song "I'm Yours" and it sounded so damn good.

When i woke up, i forgotten how the hell did i know how to harmonise, and when i tried to sing, i sounded like a frog croaking, and every single particle in the air laughed at my foolishness.

I had a dream that I was a robber in a gang of elite burglars, and we robbed all the banks in the world, and was on a run. We traveled around the world, and finally was cornered at some unknown island. And i killed myself.

When i woke up, i could still feel the cold gun against my temple, but i have never felt a real gun before, and i think i might be going insane.

I had a dream, that was a repeat of another dream that i had a few months ago, which was also another repeat of a dream that i had another few months ago.

When i woke up, i was confused. I could not remember anything at all, except that i slept with a million deja vus bombarding my mind.

And so i went back to sleep.

And when i woke.

My head was clear.

And empty.

If somebody tries to burn you

2009-12-11T22:26:00.002+08:00

pick yourself up and wait for the world to smile with you once again. But if the world does not, then wait, and wait and wait and wait.

And let the songs build out within you into a hollowed carcass that will disintegrate in the shrinking wind that bites your tongue as you speak.

You wonder whether the world will smile when you smile, but it won't. Belonging is something that you dont feel very often, and the social skills that you pick up sometimes do not work, as you close yourself into your shell, and the thoughts dominate your rationality, and you are taken over by a overactive imagination, and threatened to be driven to the point of depression as nothing ever seems to be right ever again.

We live the lives of people that we want to be, yet we try to be them, and we fail, and we never know why. You can hear people telling you that it is cause of this, or that, or some weakness that you have, but you never understood why. Is it because of how you speak? How you look like? The way you approach people? But why are you like that? Sometimes you can't help being like that, yet people will judge you because of that, and in that sense, you live the worse off of the unfair life that everyone suffers from.

And so you dont think about it. You bury it underneath a ton of mental bricks and rocks, and hope that it will never surface. You revel in that little bit of sanity that you have, and you pretend that that is who you are, that society wants you to be like that, and you act like who you are not.

And so you dont worry about it. You imagine that you are someone else, and that the world will smile with you when you smile. You tell yourself that everything will be all right once again, that you are all right. That you are okay. That you are fine.

That you are all right.

And when it is this late into the night

2009-11-13T03:31:00.003+08:00

the speed of your brain is about 50% as the information that you want to process suddenly eats itself up, and all you can think about are the leftovers from its lovely meal. When it is this late into the night, your head feels heavy, your eyelids are like lead, and your hands feel like they are 10 miles away from you. When it is this late into the night, your eyes stare straight and bore a hole in its vicinity, your mouth stays open and a slight dribble appears at the side. When it is this late into the night, nothing productive can happen, yet everything needs to happen.

So when it is this late into the night, you surf randomly, wasting the precious time that you need to fulfill your duties, your responsibilities. You listen to old music, music that made your heart what it is right now. And sometimes, a small tear comes to your eye as you remember all the past that was attached to the songs. But you have to erased that now. You have a test that needs to be studied, design work long overdue. The pressure is immense, but when it is this late into the night, everything feels lightweight, and the gnawing feeling in your stomach quietens into a low growl until it whimpers and disappears into the night.

Yet when it is this late into the night, you need to force yourself to do the deed. You need to make sure that the sacrifice of your sleep is worth it, for your body is screaming at you for torturing them. Your brain feels like mush, and suddenly you feel dizzy, and nausea engulfs you. The music burns into your ears, the vibrations meaning nothing, and a yawn overpowers every single molecule in your body. You. Can. Not. Think. Anymore.

You tell yourself that.

When it is this late into the night, suddenly inspiration will strike you. You will accomplish wonders, solve unsolvable problems, dream up fantastic fantasies that at that single moment seemed plausible and achievable. The epiphany strikes you as something of commonplace, and you feel like a prophet sent from above to spread the Voice. You suddenly have no fear, your muscles are tensed up, and for the first time in the night, you are wide awake, typing furiously, clicking constantly, and nodding your head in fervent approval at the masterpiece that you are finally drawing up.

Suddenly it is not late into the night, but early into the morning. And fatigue is your best friend. It cuddles you in its embrace, and slowly moves you towards the beauty that you call your bed. Suddenly, there are angels surrounding you, willing you to sleep. Yet you know you cannot, for if you do, all your good work will go undone. There is a meeting to be attended in an hour's time, a test to do in 2 hours, and another meeting in 3. Yet, the temptation is complete, it is inevitable, it is uncontrollable, it is total.

You face up to the futility of your struggle, and you are rewarded with the best sleep of your life.

And when you wake, you are given the world's disaster on your shoulders.

Ten times over.

So we stopped the Psuedo - Twittering

2009-11-12T00:33:00.004+08:00

There is a multitude of things i want to say on this blog, but with the previous template, there had been cases where many things were left unsaid, and all was stored inside these already bulging closet of skeletons that i keep.

And with the lack of time to design anything, nor code something, let's be simple and use what blogger has provided.

With the commencement of the exam period, work load has been piling up, and the pressure is indescribable. Even with only two papers, procrastination has made it seemed like i have 10 papers to study for.

Coincidentally, with the ending of Brand Management, the huge weight is finally off the shoulders, and we no longer need to bitch about anything. Not anytime soon i hope.

Technically, i dont really have much i want to talk about, but for the fact that University life is soon coming to an end. With the end coming, regrets start to pour, and there are still things that i wished i had done, or should have done, but didn't. And a brand new life beckons, where everything is no longer easy and carefree.

How i wish i don't grow up right now. But we all grow old. And we all have to face up to reality sooner or later.

Just not now please.

2009-11-01T00:14:00.001+08:00

2009-10-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

Everybody loves a winner. So nobody loves me.

2009-10-18T22:09:00.001+08:00

That girl is poison.

2009-10-18T15:46:00.001+08:00

Glee is so awesome. Seriously, so freakin awesome.

2009-10-09T02:08:00.000+08:00

Seriously, fuck you. Like seriously.

2009-10-02T03:49:00.000+08:00

I cannot design. Like seriously.

2009-09-24T02:53:00.001+08:00

Suddenly the world seems just a tad brighter.

2009-09-20T03:48:00.000+08:00

I watched as my grandfather breathed his final breath. And then it just hit me like a speeding train.

2009-09-17T05:23:00.001+08:00

I need to get through this. I got to get through this. I HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS.

2009-09-11T04:30:00.004+08:00

When you start looking into the real world, you realise how fucking bad you actually are.

2009-09-09T03:58:00.001+08:00

If i go by feel, then it is yes bang, thank you ma'am.

2009-09-02T02:26:00.001+08:00

Somebody please take my heart out and slice it into two. Thanks.

2009-08-26T03:39:00.001+08:00

I need a new blog skin. There is alot of build up...something in my system.

2009-08-24T02:02:00.000+08:00

And i am shy beyond words most of the time.

2009-08-17T02:16:00.001+08:00

I hate the negativity that is starting to surround me.

2009-08-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

And the Horseman of the Apocalypse sang, that School is beginning. Hear hear, School is beginning.

2009-08-09T03:26:00.002+08:00

After the high of the camp, the low hits you like a rushing train.

2009-08-02T03:48:00.001+08:00

I think the only way i can write a long entry and fit it into the design is if I print screen a word document.

2009-08-01T21:31:00.003+08:00

Ironically, my blog is now so minimalistic, I have to resist the urge to write more. When i used to write less.

2009-08-01T03:57:00.001+08:00

I hate how I sound.

2009-07-31T02:44:00.003+08:00

Walk the talk baby,
walk the fucking talk.

2009-07-29T03:11:00.001+08:00

Since we've wrong, I've been part awake.
Since we've been wrong, you will never ever know me.

2009-07-28T03:10:00.002+08:00

2 words.
I'm fucked.

Ok, technically 3.

2009-07-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

I am starting to think that whatever I want isn't exactly what i want.

2009-07-27T00:52:00.006+08:00

It's all fun and games until somebody sees what they should not see. Or feel.

2009-07-26T03:08:00.001+08:00

I don't really like the fact that i made myself think about it yet again.

2009-07-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

The reason is because everything around me is mostly too boring.

2009-07-24T11:09:00.001+08:00

When my thoughts are finally put into words, i am stunned.

2009-07-22T15:59:00.002+08:00

I seriously need to stop thinking about the what ifs, and create observations when there are none.

2009-07-21T03:58:00.005+08:00

A new blog design just to keep it simple, clean, minimal and above all, succinct .

I can't say

2009-07-18T11:20:00.001+08:00

that nothing went through my mind.

Camp

2009-07-10T16:09:00.003+08:00

I have always been a freshman camp person, always hated seeing freshies bored in groups, and i always had the urge to know more people, to see more interesting characters, and just enjoy my time just chit chatting with new people.

I had the chance to see how exactly does an NUS camp look like, and suffice to say that it was a very leisure camp.

But it was fun, the friends made were fun, and i dont believe i laughed that much since i have no idea when. It is a very nice feeling when people around you accept you for who you are, and you dont have to fear about protecting your own image, or embarrassing yourself, or that people wouldnt like you.

Being the CGL for my previous camps, and being one of the few helpers that had to help, i had to bring in the games and cheers that i had done for previous camps to help entertain the group of freshies. Somehow, it is in my nature to try and get people going, playing games. I hate see-ing the freshies doing nothing, and not interacting with each other even. They just stare into space, wasting their time when they could be interacting with each other. And so i bring in the games to do that, and it was a nice feeling.

At the end of it, they wrote comments and goodbye notes, and they are still with me, even the past year FOCs.

I would say that i should have taken the initiative to interact more with people, with the freshies, but i am sure they had tons of fun too.

That your perfect verse

2009-06-27T02:23:00.002+08:00

is just a lie, you tell yourself to help you get by.

And so ends

2009-06-23T02:04:00.002+08:00

the first day of the free weekday (!) of the rest of the holidays for the remaining of my year 3 life.

From suddenly having absolutely no time and being dead tired every day, to bursting with energy, only to find that i feel the attitude to slacking is slowly creeping up onto me. The more you slack, the more lethargic you get, and in the process, your holidays disappear in a flash.

And you find that you have done nothing substantial.

So here's the plan. To learn something, to improve on something, to make sure that i will master something, and to further do something, instead of doing nothing infront of the computer every single day, watching TV, going out etc.

I have all the materials i need.

I just need to start.

and never stop.

I saw

2009-06-19T01:34:00.001+08:00

This secret:

"I am learning to be happy even though i am alone."

And i think i would have wrote the exact same thing.

Comforting Sounds

2009-06-18T23:29:00.003+08:00

Mew - Comforting Sounds

I don't feel alright
In spite of these comforting sounds you make
I don't feel alright
Because you make promises that you break
Into your house
Why don't we share
Our solitude?

Nothing is pure
Anymore
But solitude

It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens
If someone else comes
I'll just sit here listening to the drums

Previously
I never called
It solitude

And probably you know
All the dirty shows I've put on
Blunted and exhausted like anyone
Honestly I tried to avoid it
Honestly

Back when we were kids,
We would always know when to stop
And now all the good kids are messing up
Nobody has gained or accomplished anything

One of the oldest songs to have been stuck in my head for a very long time. I remember that someone send me this song over msn during my secondary school days, and i never forget how the song ends. It sounds...epic to say the least. I remember hearing it a few times, but you know how secondary school days are, we are all backstreet boys and n'sync and west life and A1 and what was that, Bosson, one in a million. My class was totally crazy about that song.

But i digress.

I remember the song staying dormat in my harddrive over the ages, until one day the tune was played on some website, then i remebered how much i had loved the song. And so the hunt for Mew's album begin.

Frengers is fantastic.

EDIT: i realised that i might have posted this song before. But what the heck, there wasnt any commentary then.

Introducing Palace Players

2009-06-16T23:06:00.002+08:00

Damn freakin awesome single by Mew. I cant freakin wait for their new album.

Wishlist

2009-06-14T01:12:00.003+08:00

I had alot of things on my wish list, and i thought i could never get it cleared. But with my miserable intern pay, and a whole lot of being a miser, i manage to get most of the wishlist cleared.

The lastest being my new love, the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ28.

Suffice to say, it is freakin AWESOME.

I look at the camera, and a warm happy glow comes over me.

Seriously

2009-06-04T02:20:00.002+08:00

I NEED TO REALLY MOVE FORWARD AND TACKLE MY GOALS.

p.s Looking back at my past entries, i have absolutely no idea what the hell was i blogging about, especially those one sentence entries. If anyone can decipher, i crown you king of puzzles. (And you are probably deluded, mad, and crazy enough to get it right)

When i am finally settling in

2009-06-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

I am leaving it all behind soon.

I am largely

2009-06-01T23:42:00.006+08:00

unused to the fact that people will get angry for me, protect me, be at my side. See whether i am okay, ask whether i am fine, and above all, talk to me through.

Today even though i was on MC, i was called to the office, to clear some shit. Everyone was quite stunned that i was in office, and suddenly my msn exploded with people asking why, and screaming for me, being angry for me.

I feel strangely unworthy of such attention.

perhaps cause i think i am unworthy of such attention.

Alone

2009-05-28T01:30:00.000+08:00

After work is the time for me to reflect, to spend some me-time, and to wonder about life and other ridiculous musings. I can either view the cup as half empty, or half full.

I can walk through the mall alone, and day dream while watching people shuffle by me. I can sit down at coffee bean, drinking and people watching at the same time. The feeling that there isn't anything left for you to worry is wonderful indeed.

I go back to my hall. I look around, and absorb the quietness, the calm and serene night and just waste the night away doing meaningless things.

Even though i am all alone, i feel kinda happy.

(Or maybe i am just escaping)

Observations

2009-05-24T02:25:00.002+08:00

I pride myself on one thing, that i can make pretty good observations, and that usually my gut feeling is almost always right.

That doesn't necessary mean that i still don't try even when my gut tells me not to.

I know why my life is heading this way, what i need to do to change it, and how i can go about changing it.

But my mental thinking is stopping me, the fear is limiting me, and the courage is lacking in me.

I notice the patterns in things, yet i dont go ahead and do them, emulate it, follow the path to success.

The when eludes me terribly.

Which really, really needs to stop now.

I need

2009-05-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

Someone to take my heart away.

So that it doesnt hurt me, the people around me, and my life anymore.

And we bemoan

2009-05-17T23:14:00.003+08:00

The many different things that has happened in this short lived period, the period in which confusion struck, and the events that will end inevitably started to unfold. The suitability of Time itself, how strangely Fate will kill the smallest of emotions, and blow up every single action into something of significance. The mourning of the beauty that could have, only to have been shot down in this actual world. The butterflies that flew too close to the sun, like Icarus, their wings melted into shining light to form the rays of the rising morning. The waking of realisation as you know there isn't any hope in the first place.

The frustrations of not knowing whether you are ever going to do anything right, when people tell you different things that will only serve to break you down. The magnitude of events that we cannot control, a hushing of matters only close to us. The essence of Love, broken down into unsaid words, untyped letters, and unwritten desires. The futility of it all, from the moment it started, till the end when it blew past us. The strangeness of it, to throw away my assumptions, and think like a different man.

The unluckiness of Karma, to shoot straight into my life at this precise moment. The devastation that runs circles in my heartstrings, tearing at their tender loins and creating a mess of emotions. The slow crushing feeling, like a black hole in the center of your body. The magnificence of ignorance, if only it existed in my dictionary. The gracefulness of avoidance, if only it has happened earlier. The elegance of observations, if only i am blind, deaf, mute and dead.

The unleashing of the waterworks, letting them flow into words that mean nothing anymore. The loss that i moan about, that i predicted, and that i would kill to reverse it.

The loneliness that gripped my heart which seemed never to be released.

The goodbyes that were cut short, by crude innocent language, and the immaturity to handle the situation. The waves that will leave us in a moment where i wished it never existed. The end that came and went, as fast as the feelings came in the first place.

The regrets that will exist in my investment in this whole farce.

The friendship that will never be the same again.

After all this time

2009-05-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

you don't really get it do you?

Things are

2009-05-10T00:07:00.001+08:00

better once i put myself at an archimedean point.

And so we try the umpteen time

2009-05-08T01:26:00.006+08:00

I once tried to write a letter to confess.
But i got scared of the
ramifications.
So i thought,
why don't we self-censor, and
not include words, personal details
that might link to
a certain someone?

When i finished writing,
i realised that the paper was
blank.

I once trusted my gut feelings.
But my heart persisted, and
refused to give up hope.
So i thought,
why not we change the
topic to a hypothetical
situation, joke about the
absolute truth.

While doing all that,
I realised that she will never take me
seriously.
ever again.

I once gave in to my heart.
The longing crying out for
someone to love.
So i thought,
let's give this one
chance, let it blossom into
a million rainbows that
will make even the hardest man
cry.

In the course of lying,
I realised that
I am deserving
of hell.

I once pretended that i believed it.
It will help the relationship,
it will mend the cracks
and it will make everything
well again.

In believing,
I realised that
I am born a
hypocrite.

I once gave in to myself.
To keep quiet, to be
alone, to enjoy the
silence and to just
look out into the sky and sigh:
"What a beautiful day it is."

While appreciating it,
I realised that
i started sobbing
uncontrollably.

I once assumed
that all my observations
were fail proof.
That the world is
like this, without any
randomness, any
unpredictability, any
imperfections.

While feeling smug,
I realised that
i was absolutely
dead
wrong.

I once wanted to do
up a world of stars.
Inspired by a movie,
it motivated me
to do the impossible.

While figuring the shapes
to perfect stars,
I realised that
it was already
gone.

I once said yes
yes, and more yes,
to everything that you said.
In the bid to impress,
in the bid to
spend
just that more time
with you.

While nodding,
I realised that
I have no
soul.

And so i try
Once more
for the umpteen time
to get it right.
for once.

Only then i realised
there isnt
such a thing as
perfection.

Thank You

2009-05-05T01:29:00.002+08:00

Words cannot fully describe how appreciative, and how glad I am to have you as a friend.

From the bottom of my warming heart, I thank you.

Boy

2009-05-04T20:20:00.004+08:00

He laid indifferent in the darkness as he stare into the empty ceiling. For once, he wished he had glow in the dark stars. At least he will be kept company in their disappearing light, watching as they slowly fade into the night, as he falls into an uneasy sleep. Their unconditional status will protect him from the nightmare that he dreads in his dreams.

He looked at the time, and wondered how he will be able to wake up the next day. Work yet again, a relentless monster that engulf the entity that is time. In a flash, his week will be over, and the sense of emptiness will again fill his already empty heart. Hollow, he once hit it like a bell, and it rang a sorrowful mellow cry.

He rethinks his steps, retrace the methods, and rethought his considerations. A mischievous child that took away the missing piece, and happily threw it away into the abyss. Everything comes to a dead wall, and try as he might, it never breaks, it never ends.

A labyrinth of endless beginnings.

The boy started to cry, his tears slowly disappearing under the bed sheets. He looked at them, in the static of the night, and watched as it grew a deeper black. They look like ripples on the cloth, he thought, and in the end they disappear near the end of the spectrum.

A bird cooed outside, triggering songs that he dont want to hear, lyrics that he didnt want to understand, and actions that he just cant comprehend. As he drowned in the silence, his sobbing took on a life of its own, the irregularity and unpredictability threatening to destroy any remnant of sleep that he will have.

The morning after will be brighter, yet dimmer. The morning after will be sunnier, but gloomier. The morning after will tell me that i can be happy, yet i will only feel the tightness clutching my heartstrings. The morning after willl give me a breath of fresh air, only to end in the staleness of the night wind. The morning after will comfort me, only to take it all away once i feel any inkling of hope.

He thought.

Maybe he could write a love letter to no one, or he could sing a song that will charm the hearts of no one. How about a story that would soften the feelings of no one? What about a dance, to sweep the feet off no one?

A torrential rain was pouring in his mind. How he wished he could take everything out, and throw it all away, the observations, the thoughts, the methods, the considerations, everything. Everything should be far removed from his desires, his actions, his behaviour, and let nothing influence his thoughts anymore.

So what if he sees everything, understand the way things work, how things should be, what things are, and how everything is linked together? So what if he can tell you his feelings, sing to you his emotions, dance with you in tune to his heart rhythm? He has too many cares in the world, and none of them tells him the answers that he seeks. He thinks so much, yet the answer always eludes him, evades him, like the different loves in his life. They slipped away like oil against water, never mixing, never dissolving and merging with each other.

The facade is slowly breaking down. His composure is losing its cool, and the insecurities are growing at an exponential rate. He snapped himself out of it countless of times before. Why cant he do it today? Why cant he do it tonight? Why cant he do it tommorow? Or the day after?

He wants to rage. He wants someone to blame, the world, his parents, his genes, his friends. Anybody. Anybody to take the blame away from himself, from his thoughts, from his assumptions, from his character, from his personality, from his everything. He should be in a coma, so nothing will be thought anymore. He will dream, but he will not remember nothing of it.

That would be fucking fantastic.

And no, he is not fine.

Not in a long while perhaps.

For the life of me

2009-05-04T00:08:00.001+08:00

i have no fucking clue what the hell i am doing wrongly.

I like a little nostalgia

2009-04-26T00:57:00.002+08:00

the other day i went back to my old home, the one where i stayed when i was a kid. I had to help my dad do some cleaning up, so to make sure that the house is in suitable condition for rental. In its current state, it is barely...habitable. Broken wooden tiles, rusted pipes, and clogged up sinks and drains, it seemed like a ghost of its former self. But as i walked down the hallways, up the stairs, and into the seperate rooms, the memories of my childhood comes to me. And i cant help and feel how long into life i have come. All the experiences that i have gathered, so big, yet so little in comparison with others.

There was the room in which i always went into whenever i had a tiffle with my parents. It was the room in which we kept all the photos of our outings, our celebrations. I would sit there, crying after my parents scolded me, for whatever reason. Then in my sadness, i will just refer to the photos that my parents took of our outings together. And then i will feel that tinge of regret, and come out running to hug my mother, or father, and say that i am sorry.

It was probably the more mature times of my childhood.

You dont appreciate things until they are truly gone from your lives. I have only memories of my childhood now, some good, some bad. I remember some of the bad ones, and it makes me shudder sometimes how big of a pussy i was back in those days.

I was never one to stand up for myself, socially awkward and very quiet. I was often the centre of bullies, struggling to free myself from the chain of hurt. I remember sitting beside a guy in class. He was taller, and much stronger than me. And he always punched me hard in the shoulders. I remember the day in which he threw out my eraser out of the window beside me into the open sky. In my brief moment of courage, i did the same thing to his. And there went the punches. Till this day, i can still remember it quite clearly, the exact scene, and the pain that i felt. But i remember that i did not cry, and i pretended that it didnt hurt like hell.

But fuck, it did.

I always did wonder how would i have turned out, if i had behaved just a little bit different, just a little bit more confident. Would my personality now be different? Science has proven that we are born who we are, with the rest of it being influenced by our parents, what we do and the decisions that we make. I have always been the quiet kid, never really knowing what to say, and having people always doubting my answers, never expecting me to say the right things. I remember being laughed at when i said something wrongly.

Till this day, all the laughter has influenced me for who i am. I don't dare to say out things that i think are wrong, and always lacking the confidence to say what i really think. The assertiveness has been erased out of me when i was a child. Now i am finding it back, but it comes and goes away.

I can regret, but what i can only do now is to look into the future and improve on myself. But the constant laughs, the persistent doubts still cloud my every action. I can laugh, smile, but it doesnt escape me.

It comes to me somedays. Can i really change who i really am? Change my true nature? I try, but it sometimes just comes out so awkward.

Nobody really does confirm my actions, but most people just make fun of them. I try to ignore, but well, the facade does break down sometimes.

I have my daily regrets. Recently more than ever.

Lose You

2009-04-12T01:24:00.000+08:00

Pete Yorn - Lose You

I’m taking a ride off to one side
It is a personal thing.
Where?
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting.

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.

Stop before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here,
Rest even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing
(Just to sound confused)
Don’t talk about everyone,
I am not amused by you.

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you,

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you
I’ll lose you now for good

And yet i say it again

2009-04-06T21:55:00.000+08:00

time to fuck it, and move on.

Say It Ain't So

2009-04-01T02:16:00.001+08:00

Weezer - Say It Ain't So

-Intro-

Oh Yeah.
All Right.

-First Verse-

Somebody's Heiney is crowning my icebox.
Somebody's cold one is giving me chills.
Guess I'll just close my eyes.

-Inter-

Oh yeah.
All right.
Feels good.
Inside.

-Second Verse-

Flip on the Tele... Wrestle with Jimmy.
Somethin' is bubblin' behind my back.
The bottle is ready to go.

-Chorus-

Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
Your drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker.

-Verse 3-

I can't confront you, I never could do...
That which might hurt you.
Try and be cool, when I say:
This way is-a-waterslide-away-from-me-to-chase-her-fuller-everyday! Hey!
So be cool.

-Chorus-

Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
Your drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker!

-Verse 4-

Dear daddy, I write you in spite of fears of silence.
You cleaned up, found Jesus, Things are good also I hear.
This bottle of Stevens awakens ancient feelings...
Like father, Step-Father...
This song is drowning in the blood! Yeah Yeah-Yeah Yeah-Yeah!

-Chorus-

Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
You drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ain't so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker.

i just cannot seem to

2009-03-29T05:41:00.001+08:00

stop thinking about it.

And yet again

2009-03-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

i am treated as such. I dont get it. I really dont know what is wrong, and what is making things go this way.

Sigh.

Train Song

2009-03-19T23:58:00.000+08:00

Feist & Ben Gibbard - Train Song

Traveling north, traveling north to find you
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
Call out your name love don't be surprised

It's so many miles and so long since I've left you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

Nothing at all in my head to say to you
Only the beat of the train I'm on
Nothing I've learn, all my life, on the way to you
One day our love was over and gone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll say when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

What will I do if there's someone there with you
Maybe someone you've always known
How do I know I can come and give to you
Love with no warning and find you alone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

It won't be long
It won't be long
It won't be long

God

2009-03-19T00:14:00.002+08:00

I have always seen myself as an atheist. The topic of religion has always been subjected to much debate in my mind, late into the night, where i soliloquize silently at the keyboard. And because Christianity seems to always crop up, especially since i was in ACJC, i have tried to accept the concepts that they teach, that they preach, that they tell. They say it is the Truth. But i have struggle to accept it.

I remember blogging about it a few years back. And my friend's friend actually wrote back a reply. Which i don't remember, except that i remembered finding fallacies in his argument back, and that it still didn't convince me of anything.

For the past year, there was somehow a change in my thinking. I might have matured, or might have been more open to more unearthly concepts. I no longer see myself as an atheist. I tell people that I am, but what i truly am is that i am an agnostic. I do not believe in religion. But the more i think about the alternative evolutionary concept, i think there are flaws that doesn't really answer questions too.

I see religion as a necessary aspect of society. We humans ultimately look somewhere for hope, especially in times of crisis. I can say i myself succumb to this, especially in certain dark times. I break down, and i pray. With an uncertain heart, i look for any form of hope that will pull me through. And it is this hope that a number of people turn to religion. They offer safety, peace, companionship. Friends. You sink yourself into it, and you experience the joy of being religious.

It comes to me as no surprise that religious people often live longer. With something to believe in, they are happier than the rest of us. In times of need, they turn to their religion, and they pray. They feel slightly more secured than the rest of us, atheist and agnostics.

But i do not want to become religious because of this fact. I believe I am right when i say that there are plenty of people who join a certain religion not because they believe in its concepts and teachings, but purely because it is fun. They might enjoy the feeling of being together with other like minded people, and slowly come to accept the teachings that they are taught.

And so i remain, alone, confused and lost.

Evolution is a nice concept to think about. It explains alot of things, like how we came about, from emptiness to something. The past me would confidently say that we came about through chance. We are just here in all randomness. We have absolutely no purpose at all.

It is a bitter pill to swallow. A sad and bitter pill to chew on.

Evolution does explain the multitude of species that might have come about, the famous example being the finches found in the Galapagos Islands. It seems to be a fantastic theory to have explained how the finches actually adapted so quickly, to their different respective environment. Admittedly, it is hard to refute it. But it does not explain full evolution. Humans have a missing link in the evolutionary pathway. I cannot remember offhand, but till this date, it has not been found. It does not explain how complex organs, like the eye can come about. It is the argument that religion uses against evolution. Reading on it, i dont buy both arguments. Religion basically says that how can some so complex come out from evolution? But science rebuke them, saying that why would God create something that can easily be damaged?

Scientist think that a creature might have developed a light sensitive patch, that might have given the creature a slight advantage. And evolution goes on from there.

So let's say we accept it. That mutation is for the better. Then why is there never a case of mutation for the better? Evolution always show that mutations are good, but there are a million other cases of mutation being bad. A slight mutation would cause a person to die, to be defect, retarded. Though there is a fighting case for humans in Malaria infested countries, though it still doesnt ensure survival. If i dont remember my biology wrongly, half of the people can still be born susceptible to Malaria. One dies from malaria, the other from blood anemia. If evolution is essentially to ensure the survival of a species, it seems to be 50% effective. Which is curious.

So does God actually exist? Interestingly, God's Debris gave a fascinating view. We tend to associate a human personality with God. That they have a moral viewpoint. The book however, points out that God, being omnipotent, would have no use for such morality, would have no need to right or wrong. What is right and what is wrong to God anyways? To us, the crudest meaning would be right would be something that makes us feel good. Wrong would be things that make us feel bad. To an all powerful God, he knows everything. And nothing can make him feel bad. Cause he is all powerful. I suspect he doesnt really have feelings in the first place. Because God is pure. He is perfect. If he isnt, then he isnt all powerful. So being perfect, he is contented. What would his motivation be then? Why would he want to create humans? Why would he design the universe?

He can see everything, and so nothing is a challenge to him. Though the book states one thing. That the only challenge is to kill himself. How do you kill an omnipotent being? That would be his only motivation.

Thus the book title, God's Debris. We are all remnants of a dead God.

More another day.

God's Debris

2009-03-18T01:12:00.002+08:00

Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert wrote a thought experiment, trying to explain Life's biggest questions. It was a joyful read, and it explains some things quite simply. Though i would question some of his arguments, some actually made quite a bit of sense.

There was this part where he talks about God, and how he is all knowing, and all powerful. So much that he doesnt really have anymore challenge in his life. Which is why his only challenge would be to kill himself. That would really fire up some religious people, and call it sacrilegious.

There was another part that talked about evolution. And how it was based on past truths, and there are things where it isnt really explained. which made alot of sense too.

I highly recommend it. You can actually download it for free.

Maybe i will cover his chapters individually when i have the time to.

Chuck

2009-03-15T04:23:00.003+08:00

episode 15 and 16 for season 2.

I get that all the time.

i am just sitting here

2009-02-24T00:59:00.004+08:00

waiting, wishing for something to happen.

sometimes i feel the dread of working. Am i really suited to work like this? Am i for this industry? Do i just like to follow instructions? I get all nervous when i am supposed to contribute ideas in a discussion. Similarly for projects, i tend to be unable to think of much when i am afraid of the backlash, or what people may comment, or what they might think of me. It is a flaw that i have, and it is making me doubt my own abilities.

my friend was telling me everyone has this fear, and it is up to you to conquer it. Sometimes i do, but other times, i just sit there quietly, waiting for people to just say something, and i do nothing. In the end, i know that when i dont say anything, people think even worst of me than when i do say something.

Maybe this is an excuse, but my past experiences made me hate people laughing at the mistakes that i do, the things that i said. It still happens sometimes, and it just makes me depressed. Try as i might, it seems that i possess a face that possess two different sides. One where the moment i speak, i am not taken seriously. The other, the moment i dont speak, people think i am being arrogant, condescending. There is the balance somewhere, but after years of searching, it doesnt really seem to be there.

i hate feeling this way. Who cares about love, about relationships when you have a fundamental problem in yourself that you cannot yet solve. Who cares about all the rest of the things in the world, when you know what is at fault, yet try as you might, you cannot seem to change it, and it is making your life utterly bull. Who cares about anything right now. For one, i dont really give a rat's ass about most of the things right now, except for a few responsibilities here and there.

They help to keep me sane.

One thing about blogs is that people tend to talk about their own pathetic selves. I read other people's blog, and they rant and rant, they talk about their problems, and sometimes, i roll my eyes and move on to the next blog. Sometimes i relate with them, and it makes me even more depressed.

My friend underwent an emo stage recently. I seem to be going through the same thing. With work compounding my every misery, the path to enlightenment, for the lack of a better word, seems to be lost inside the mist.

Another of my friend asked me whether it is right just to let someone, whom you think you will never like, be with you. Just so you get companionship, you get someone to fall upon, even if it isnt your ideal one. It is tempting yes, and it does take abit of the pain and misery away. But it will make me feel empty inside, for i know i am just lying and using her. It takes away some of the pain, but gives back a totally new one.

i am very thankful that i have at least hall life to save me from this utter abyss. I have never been really close with my coursemates, save for a few, but hall is where most of my closest friends are. Without them, even if we may drift apart afterwards, i have a feeling i might feel even worst.

i am bad at making friends. I am worse at keeping them.

if working makes me feel like this, i dread what will happen when i come out into the real world to work full time, and never have any kind of distractions anymore.

no wonder most of the people you see on the trains, the buses, they have a weary face, that tells the whole world that it is yet another routine day. Yet another depressing day at work. We may laugh with our colleagues, but in the end, we stay apart.

I was on the MRT, and watching school kids enjoying themselves, and i wonder, where did my youth gone? Even though i am in my early 20s, the path to adulthood and the transition feels like crap. How could i have not treasured the moments when i was young, when mistakes was allowed, when you feel like you could do anything. Now i just feel caged, caught up with work, and never seeing that blue sky again.

I wish i could spread my wings and soar. Only to find them clipped.

And so i fall.

i was wrong about me having been through the self-discovery stage. I thought i did, but that was merely depression having being dumped, and a few mistakes along the way.

the stage seems to be happening right now, and i for one have no idea how to get the hell out of this shit.

i need advice. From everyone and from no one.

sigh.

The lie of life

2009-02-22T04:12:00.004+08:00

is that we pretend we are happy just to get by. we pretend that we are prettier than we really are. we pretend that we are more talented than what we can do. that we are slightly better than the person next to us. that we can jump just that little bit higher to reach our goals. that anything is possible, if you have the will and determination to. that even in our darkest times, we have something to hold on to.

my universe has a set of rules that i havent yet figure out. but it involves destroying everything that i am trying to achieve. it involves disappointing myself, constantly allowing myself to be hurt. it lets me hear the things that people say about me, and tells me how i am actually crap.

we are all pretenders in human skin. Inside we sob and cry, but outside we smile and tell the world how the sun shines like it never ends.

for if we don't pretend, i think most of us will have been dead inside long time ago.

I like the

2009-02-18T23:48:00.002+08:00

Self motivation that running gives me. You start to tell yourself what you want to achieve, and to hold on, never give up. Run like its your last. Run like there is a throng of vicious people chasing after you. Run like you never ran before.

And so ended my second run.

Life is just

2009-02-18T01:13:00.003+08:00

a empty space right now. With no colours and no meaning at all. We do not start out equal. Some of us start out with wings to enable us to already fly before we have even learned how to walk. Some of us, most of us are born with weights at our legs, that drag us down against the sands of time. The quicksand pulls us down quickly as we try to climb out.

A few of us climb out and succeed.

I am, however, slowly sinking.

I dont feel like sleeping at all. I just feel like staring into space, and sob silently inside.

And we have started

2009-02-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

Day 1 of the run.

Details are hidden somewhere safe inside the crevices and corners of the world wide web. Which is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.

Resolution of the year

2009-02-11T12:14:00.001+08:00

Run.

I Don't Know

2009-02-03T14:14:00.002+08:00

Lisa Hannigan - I Don't Know

I don't know what you smoke
or what countries you've been to
if you speak any other languages other than your own
but I'd like to meet you
I don't know if you drive
if you love the ground beneath you
I don't know if you write letters or panic on the phone
still I'd like to call you all the same,
if you want to,
I am game.

I don't know if you can swim
or if the sea has any draw for you
if you're better in the morning
or when the sun goes down
I'd like to talk to you
I don't know if you can dance
if the thought ever occurred to you
if you eat what you've been given
or push it round your plate
still I'd like to cook for you all the same,
I would want to,
I am game

If you walk my way
and I could keep my head
we could creep away in the dark
or maybe not,
we could shoot it down anyway.

I don't know if you read novels
or the magazines
if you love the hand that feeds you
I assume that your heart's been bruised
I know I'd like to know you
you don't know if I can draw at all
or what records I am into
if I sleep like a spoon
or rarely at all
or maybe you would do?
maybe you would do

if I walk your way
I will keep my head
we will feel our way through the dark
though I don't know you
I think that I would do
I don't fall easy at all

I Don't Know

2009-02-01T01:25:00.006+08:00

So i got really bored, so let's just try this nonsensical...thing. The answers undoubtedly dont make much sense. Which is why it is hilarious, and confusing at the same time. Go set your playlist on shuffle, and enjoy the next 15 minutes you will never get back.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
The Cure - Scream
[I would seriously need some anger management here. It happens though, but i dont scream. I just mildly...gestured with frustration. Though i might really be silently screaming inside.]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Jenny Lewis With the Watson Twins - Handle With Care
[Fragile girls? That need me to take care of them? Or sick girls? Twins wouldnt be bad though haha]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Mae - Sic Semper Tyrannis
["thus, ever (or always), to tyrants" I hate tyrants that is for sure, but feeling that today? That is kind of overkill (Sorry dad haha)]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Yellowcard - Empty Apartment
[To emo? Alone? In an empty home? I think i would have fufilled that purpose. Umpteen times over and over again.]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Franz Ferdinand - Do you want to
["Make someone love me" Awesomeness. Though motto doesnt really seem to be working.]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Moby - The Stars
[That probably is one of the world's biggest untruths.]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Linkin Park - In the End
[Stay with you till the end, or in the end, you are my parent, and i am the child? I am confused.]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
American Hi-Fi - The Geek Get All The Girls
[ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY, DAMN TRUE. I tell that to people, and they nod their head vigourously every single time.]

WHAT IS 2+2?
Mae - Waiting
[Mae doesnt really do maths it seems.]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Priestess - I am the Night, Colour me Black
[Considering i dont really consider anybody my best friend...]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
[This was the song for emo-ing, especially when it comes to this kind of situation. Is someone controlling my supposedly random playlist?]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Jem - Wish I
[Wish i didnt go away, wish i didnt do that etc etc. A life full of regrets. If that really is my life story, i shall write my will today, and die tomorrow.]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Mew - The Zookeeper's Boy
[Go Figure. If the Zookeeper is a paedophile, i am safe, since i am not a child anymore. haha]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
[Every single time, the lyrics somewhat hit home.]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
People in Planes - If you talk too much
["If you talk too much, my head will explode" Man, that has to suck. I shall keep my mouth shut now]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Sufjan Stevens - Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of Mankind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run
[Running free? Sufjan Stevens has just the most nonsensical long titles that doesnt really mean much. They can fight with Fall Out Boys though.]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Portishead - Machine Gun
[I am going to be a suicide bomber??]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Be Your Own Pet - Bicycle Bicycle, You are my Bicycle
[Be your own pet, and bicycles? So i love myself so much that i think everybody are bicycles??]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
One Republic - Tyrant
[Maybe not so false after all. haha]

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
System of a Down - U-Fig
[Probably me losing the ability to know anything. Like the title, illogical and not making any sense at all]

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Piebald - The King
[Awesome. I die rich and respected]

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Mercy Arms - Caroline
[If there is a girl named Caroline in my life. Maybe there was. Or maybe this is just talking about the future. Caroline, i am sorry!]

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fall Out Boy - 20 Dollar Nose Bleed
[If someone ever paid 20 bucks to nose bleed, that would seriously be hilarious]

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The Flashbulb - Near the woods
[Nature makes me cry??]

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Chairman Hahn - Kyur4 TH Ich
[Cure the itch? So i supposed that is a yes?]

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
[Lets just cover the title, and pretend that i am damn scared of gorrillas. How about that?]

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Moby - Live for Tommorow
[Oh dear.]

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Alan Singley and Pants Machine - Highways of Our Minds
[My mindset? everything about my mind? Or just my pants? The latter i think haha]

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
The Lovely Feathers - In The Valley
[The song just repeats "Rome is in the Valley" and "She says Hi to the man in the house, she says I am the man of the house". I dont get it. At all.]

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Lisa Hannigan - I Don't Know
[Absolutely, though the song is gorgeous]

And so we can conclude that it doesnt really make sense. If it was all true, my life is upside down, the world is square, and nobody likes me.

Actually, the last part might already be true now.

The one thing i really miss / wish

2009-01-31T01:20:00.003+08:00

is someone who i can talk about practically anything under the sun. Apparently that person doesnt really exist yet.

Not in my universe anyway.

Streetlights

2009-01-31T00:50:00.001+08:00

Kanye West - Streetlights

Let me know
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain't always set in stone
That being known let me know
Let me

Seems like street lights glowing
Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fares
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

All the streetlights glowing
Happen to be
Just like moments passing
In front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fare
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

In the streets... In the streets
I'm just not there
In the streets
I'm just not there
Life's just not fair

Seems like street lights glowing
Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fares
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

All the streetlights glowing
Happen to be
Just like moments passing
In front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fare
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

All the streetlights glowing
Happen to be
Just like moments passing
In front of me
So I hopped in the cab and
I paid my fare
See I know my destination
But I'm just not there

In the streets... In the streets
I'm just not there
In the streets
I'm just not there
Life's just not fair

Freeze Ray

2009-01-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

Dr Horrible Soundtrack - Freeze Ray

Laundry day
See you there
Under things
Tumbling
Wanna say
Love your hair
Here I go
Mumbling
With my freeze ray I will stop the world
With my freeze ray I will
find the time to find the words to
Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Anyways
With my freeze ray I will stop the pain
It’s not a death ray or an ice beam
That’s all Johnny Snow
I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still
That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me
Any day
Love your hair

There must be a reason

2009-01-25T02:23:00.001+08:00

why i keep on typing "busy" as "busty"

either my hands are too quick and inaccurate for typing, or i have a perverted subconscious.

can i claim its the former? haha

You know what?

2009-01-24T01:45:00.004+08:00

fuck it.

the reality of this world is that we are constantly deluding ourselves. We tell ourselves things that are subjective to our own observations. We often tell our depressing thoughts to shut the hell up, and please let us get on with our real lives. We will lie to our truths, the facts that are arranging plainly infront of us. We will say "So what? It's her loss." and try to lead our lives as happy normal human beings.

there is a term called depressive realism, and it affects depressed people around. Interestingly, depressed people tend to have a more accurate depiction of themselves, compare to the rest of us out there. The rest of us lie to ourselves, to others, to the whole world, and never tell a single strand of truth.

of course, this is as cynical as it can get, but it probably is the plain and hard cruel truth. If you have never told yourself that you are more than what you are right now, congratulations, you probably arent human.

with a single stone, we dont kill two birds. We held on to them, and suddenly, we let them go, and finally, we are back on our feet, back on square one, back where we started, and back to the depressive reality that we have.

tonight i just want to scream, and scream and scream. My insides feel like they have been rearranged, and torn into pieces, and my whole world seemed upside down. The only solace is the music thumping into my head, louder and louder as i try to shut out the pain growing inside.

i can always scream, fuck it, i dont care anymore. But deep down, i still do.

and it kinda sucks.

chinese new year is upon us. Finally a breather to take all this crap out of my mind and start to focus on things that really matter for once, like......i have no fucking idea.

I am

2009-01-21T09:17:00.000+08:00

fucking devastated.

I dislike

2009-01-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

the rush of emotions that develop in the initial contact. The swirl of a multitude of feelings mixed together with the pounding of adrenaline makes you want to tear out your twisting stomach. I do not appreciate the magnifying of a million actions, each observation filled with red herrings and nuances that distract you from the real truth. I feel disappointed at my inane ability to express anything that comes out my mouth. I cannot controlled my movement, the magnetic factor multiplied by a hundred when you stand near. I forget about all that i have learned, all i have experienced, and i become a toddler in relationship decisions once again.

but i feel relieved, like the pressure has suddenly been released. The dense air has suddenly evaporated into billions of colours that light up the sky when you speak. The ground opens up, and i free fall down down down, into a bright light that consumes my every being. When the songs are sung by the 4 walls, i mouth out the words, and apologise to the world for my foolishness and immaturity and drown.

my friends tell me things that do not sound like me. they tell me things that i never thought i am. they tell me things that has never crossed my mind. they tell me different things from what i tell myself. and they tell me the truth.

which means my cold heart has been lying to myself ever since the birth of puberty.

my family tells me that i have a future, that i am strong, that i am their pride, that they would never do things differently. I make them smile, and i light their lives up. Without me, the house seems empty and forever bleak. In truth, they exaggerate. But it feels nice.

we all are liars. Our lives are boring, and tend to be one whole flatline. You might tell your friends stories, anecdotes of what has happened, but you exaggerate, you, yes you with the sense of humor will emphasis on the funnier parts, dramatise the whole situation, and everyone will listen to you with their ears tied to your every word.

my room feels cold, and the bed feels empty. my heart feels heavy, and my mind feels dead. my soul is screaming for providence, and my being is hollow. Everything makes no sense when you walk the streets. Everything makes all the sense in the world when you speak. My eyes feel heavy with regret, the tears never coming out even though the tap is open. I like to write out everything that i would want to tell anybody, anyone in particular. I want to tell the truth, i want to not lie anymore, i want to finally find that closure that has eluded me for so long.

when people work, they go back home a broken creature. They are burned from the daily routines, and only despair meets them when they see their empty homes. I see hope, hidden like a timid child behind despair, growing stronger with each passing year. But whether i die before the hope grows big, that is a different matter altogether.

so this is my confession, and my reflection. A moment of weakness, and i will let slip the one thing holding me together so far. But i will keep it all in, in hopes that one day, you will find the truth.

By then, the truth isnt the truth anymore.

The aftermath

2009-01-18T18:00:00.001+08:00

of being happy is being sad.

Nothing better

2009-01-13T19:46:00.001+08:00

Postal Service - Nothing Better

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

I feel must I interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling I love you so...
But oh, oh...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

I must say, i think i posted this song for dunno how many times already. But it still rest as one of my top favourite songs, and i especially love the lyrics, especially "Your heart wont heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."

How apt.

I think

2009-01-11T02:48:00.002+08:00

i am biting off more than i can ever chew. The learning curve is as high as it can ever be, and i am only at the bottom. It's frustrating and scaring the hell out of me, with the deadline looming. Plus the addition of lack of sleep, lack of time, and total ineptitude, i am almost bald from all the hair tearing.

i pray somewhere, somehow, some miracle will happen.